It’s currently 4:00 am and I’ve been awake for hours tossing and turning in bed and thinking of you.
Robin encouraged us to be in conversation with our master plants so while I'm laying restless in bed I asked Bobinsana why I’m still awake and she said “Maybe something creative wants to be born?” so I ended up getting my journal out and doodling one of my favorite sketches to date as well as writing you this letter. I am constantly amazed at what happens when I trust in something greater than me and have the courage to just DO IT.
Thanks Bobinsana, pulling through again!
I took one of your sweaters with me so I could smell your essence when ever I wanted and it’s quickly become my most favorite thing I have bought with me on this trip. In ceremony I lay back in challenging times and put it on my face and I am with you. The comforting smell of home.
Last night in ceremony I had a vision of a child. A little star baby boy, blessed to us by a realm far away. I cried with tears of pure beauty at the thought of brining a child into this world together. You will be the most incredible father, there isn’t a part of me that doubts that for a second. Becoming a mother is a whole new initiation in this life that one can never truly prepare for. An initiation of the I melting and being in full selfless service to another being. Taking devotion to new heights. Not all super heroes wear capes. I have a whole new appreciation for my own mother and mothers in general. Woa. Thank you.
Because everyone is on a dieta here people keep to themselves to the most part, no hugging or interacting too much energy besides conversation. I was craving more human connection so I got my markers out, laid in my hammock and drew a beautiful sleeve of mandalas and feathers on myself, you know how I do. This drew a crowd (mostly the local children including the grandchildren of Papa Gilberto). Everyone watching wide eyed with excitement and wanting to be painted themselves.
Once again watching first hand this tool of human connection working its magic as I got to mark up all the children and watch their faces light up as if they had just received their very own super powers. They then all jumped into the water that surrounded us fully clothed painted arm first.
I love these children so much, they make everything into a game and have so much fun everyday playing with nature, splashing in the water and chasing the local pup named Belize. Taking presence to a whole new level.
I heard a story about one of Papa’s grandchildren. Papa is an incredible hunter and when his grandchild was a baby he took him to the top of a mountain, hunted an eagle, boiled the eagle down to a butter and smeared the butter all of the boy to gain the powers of the eagle.
I think about us contemplating if we are going to go to Erewhon for the third time in a row while Papa is out in the world slaying wild animals and raising eagle babies.
You are my beautiful Costco hunter-gatherer and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
The plant that I am dieting with is difficult to describe with the English language. Her consciousness is very evident in my awareness, she is soft yet strong and reminding me who I am to the core and how much love I really do have to give. Bobinsana will bring any part of my past that wasn't done with love to the surface for me to look at and transmute through the filter of compassion and forgiveness. She has helped activate my creative channels through writing music and drawing as well as fortifying my body with a new found strength. She is aiding me with straightening my spine and slowing everything way down to meet a presence that hasn’t been avaliable to me since a child. I am being shown to sit upright in the discomfort of my spine and I will meet the divine. Yo, that could be a song...”Divine Spine”. Ha. I make myself laugh.
In ceremony it can get really difficult physically as well as mentally and all I want to do at times is lay down and crawl into a ball, however this is where the spirit of the warrior comes in. It's about being able to sit up-right in the discomfort and breathe into it as opposed to avoiding it. By being with the discomfort and facing off with it actually enables the discomfort to transmute. This is symbolic of life. Shit will hit the fan at times, thats enviable, however it's how we respond to it is truly how we evolve. Do we face off with the discomfort and sit with it, breathing through it and surrendering or do we react or run from it only enabling it to continue or feeding it to grow.
I'm also noticing my body oder is sweet like flowers and my skin is smooth and soft. I feel like I’m turning into a flower myself. Bobinsana is showing me compassion and an awareness around my emotions that transmutes any resentments into an emotional maturity of understanding.
Every other day we have a class in the Maloka with Robin on Shipibo icaros/chanting. It’s wildly fascinating learning how the Maestros use sound and their language to navigate the shamanic realms and to clear our whole energy field of unhealthy thought patterns, stored toxins, emotional blockages, sexual trauma, karmic debts, ancestral contracts, family suffering and collective trauma. This work is NO joke. Papa Gilberto is 74 years old being one of the oldest Shipibo Maestos in the Amazon. He has been doing this work his whole life. I have new found deep appreciation and respect for this work and what it takes to truly be a Maestro. These men are real wizards. Like Gandelf level. When he looks at you it’s like he is looking into your soul (well because he is).
Last night in ceremony I cried for how much I love you and how blessed I am to have found my soul mate in my life. You are remarkable human being and I truly see you and your whole family as the biggest blessing and gift I have yet received by the universe.
Grandma Nika came and visited me last night and we danced together outside of the Maloka under the stars, she was of course full of life and joy and danced like she was 22 again. We giggled to each other and delighted in our connection through all time and space. I felt so grateful that I got to spend so many precious moments with her before she transitioned into a less dense realm where she can play bridge without hurting her fingers.
Your mother also came into my awareness and I got to see her spirit and her deep excitement and curiosity about the esoteric realms. Like a little girl eager to learn and share. She always says to me “my sister” when she hugs me and I truly feel that. She is my sister and I love her.
I have done a pretty good job at making this all sound roses and star dust however there has been some deeply challenging times thrown into the mix. One would say purging all over myself repeatedly after 4 days of no food and a belly full of ayahuasca was one of them. The visuals were so strong that I didn't know where up and down was. Lost in a sea of pixilated images the nausea took over and before I knew it I was vomitting all over myself, my bed and my white blanket. Once all the medicine was out of my system I was just dry heaving the resistance out of my system. I have never fasted for this long before but it came highly recommended by Robin to open the relationship with our master plant (Bobinsana) without food to absorb it. This way we will receive the full effects of the plant. The fast mixed with Bobinsana has been extremely eye opening. It has made me incredibly sensitive to all energies. I feel like I can communicate with all the nature around me and morph into the consciousness of any of the animals I see.
Last night I actually morphed into the consciousness of a cockroach. (This is the point where you probably think I’ve lost my mind). The cockroach taught me how wildly misunderstood they are and feared by so many. However they have a very hard shell and can take the negative projection...in fact they can survive an atomic bomb. This experience has changed how I see cockroaches for the rest of my life and now when I see them scuttling around my room I speak or sing to them as my friends. I’m turning into a Disney princess I’m sure of it.
The only difference with the Disney princess and myself is that they were surrounded by birds, squirrels, mice and enchanting forest animals and I’m surrounded by rats, cockroaches, mosquitos and spiders the size of my fist, all of which are becoming more and more enchanting by the day.
Tomorrow I move into my very own hut, the ones I showed you in the photos. The water level has gone down enough that we can finally move in. This is a monster of all upgrades as it’s about 4 times the size of the tiny box room I have now as well as it has its own huge private deck, a hammock, and a 360 panoramic view of the flooded amazon jungle. I am so grateful that I got to make this little box room my home and enjoy it to the max before upgrading into what feels like luxury compared. It’s all about enjoying the simple things in life and adding our flavor and touch to it. Gratitude makes room for more things to be grateful for...and my goodness I’m so grateful for everything I have in my life and ecstatic about everything that is to come.
While writing this I’m pretty sure a rat just peed on my face. There is a net above my room where rats run during the night and I just felt a spray on my face and it smells like pee....so yeah. This Disney princess must go take care of this ASAP.
On that note....I love you to infinity and I can’t wait to have you in my arms again.
Until my next letter,